he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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