Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
