Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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