Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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