Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
