he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
