You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
