Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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