Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
