The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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