Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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