I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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