That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
