So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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