Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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