I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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