Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
