I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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