she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
