Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You can't motorboat a personality
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
