I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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