mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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