Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
