Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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