Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
