the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
