I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
