By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
