Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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