the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
