Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
