Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I enjoy the company of your penis
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
