i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
