I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
