Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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