its not stalking. its research.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
