why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
