The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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