i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
