My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
