She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
