if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
