it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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