I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
