nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
