dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
