I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
pray to the hookup gods
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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