i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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