Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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