The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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