I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
