i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
