i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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