dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
